There’s a best-selling book published on what men know about women. It’s hundreds of pages long. But here’s the punchline: every page is blank. Whether or not it’s funny doesn’t matter nearly as much as the glaring problem it illustrates. It’s a conundrum that goes back millennia, unanswered by the greatest philosophers: most people have a difficulty understanding the opposite sex.
I was one of them. For the first two-thirds of my life, I myself was even more clueless than the average person. I barely knew much about myself and men, let alone… girls. I was confused, frustrated, and baffled—yet enamored by—the feminine creature.
My lack of success, skill, and happiness drove me to a dark place where loneliness, desperation, and deep sadness abide. A place where, unfortunately, many men and women stay for most of their lives. We didn’t know what we didn’t know; a lot of information and revelations have been made and documented for those willing to seek guidance, yet we remain woefully ignorant.
But we’re not really encouraged to do that. Sex and relationships are supposed to be “natural” to us; having to “learn” about how to get better in bed or with dating and relationships means that you’re abnormal. To be “caught” with a self-help book is an admission. While we’re seeing progress, our cultural ego still makes this particular topic a stigma.
Anybody who asks the right questions enough times to the right people can figure anything out.
Hence most people—fearing embarrassment and shame more than unhappiness, heartache, and misery—don’t ask the questions. They don’t do whatever they can to learn, to grow, to understand themselves and their partners better. They stay stuck and have to justify their choice to be unfulfilled by projecting it upon others. The result can be seen in our battle of the sexes culture.
I wasn’t blessed with magical understanding of sex at birth. I didn’t have an older brother to impart great wisdom upon me. And while I don’t understand it all and never will completely, I do understand an incredible breadth and depth that lends me to become remarkable in bed with the right women.
How was I able to escape the culture of ignorance which bonds many to the shackles of mediocre sex and confusion?
Simply asking the right questions.
Two of the questions that have driven me to learn and master many crafts, including sex, have been “why” and “how”. It’s been this insane curiosity and desire to grow that has lead me to many of the insights I’m sharing with you here. No school, guru, or product will teach you more than your own curiosity leading you to ask questions.
Anybody who asks the right questions enough times to the right people can figure anything out. Unfortunately, most people stop asking questions. They assume “that’s just how it is” and settle for the (oftenly disempowering or unfulfilling) answer conceived from their (often unsupportive or ignorant) environment. This leads to a world view that is based more often on an early, childhood experience, that doesn’t permit new data from coming in.
People will say things like “I know that!” or “all women are like this” or “all men are that” or “that’s impossible!”.
The new information and learnings can’t get in, which prevents new possibilities and solutions from forming.
People will also settle for just the “what” (e.g., “what position can I use to make her come?”, “what line can I say to talk dirty to him?”) as a quick fix.
This is incredibly limiting. You are presented with one very specific thing to say or do at a very specific time in a certain circumstance. If anything doesn’t match up, you need another solution.
The better way to approach is asking the questions that lead to deeper sexual understanding.
- “What turns a man/women on? Why does that turn them on? How can I do that even better?”
- “How does dirty talk arouse the body when it’s just words? Why is it that turning on their mind first work better?”
- “What does a woman need to feel in order to want to have a threesome with me and another woman?”
- “Why do men like anal sex so much?”
- “What’s the evolutionary purpose for monogamy or polyamory?”
- “How can I become more attractive?”
- “Why does BDSM turn me on so much but turns off my lover?”
- “How is it possible to give multiple, full-body, extended orgasms?” (Notice it’s not “if it’s possible”, but how)
- “Why do I feel so insecure? Why do people have so much shame and guilt around sex?”
- “How can I create more passion in my love life?”
- “What does this person have to believe in order to act this way?”
- “How can I approach this person to satisfy their values in a way that they enjoy?”
These are all powerful questions that lead to greater sexual understanding, rather than tricks and tactics. They will shift the way you see the world, yourself, and your partner’s sexuality. They will lead to new approaches and strategies for your relationships. They will all you to develop skills and new techniques based on the current situation at will (rather than relying on scripts and top 10 lists) because you understand the theory of why what-does-what to your partner.
One caveat though: understanding can become very heady and academic if you get lost in it. You can get caught up in wanting to know more and more, rather than playing and going out and actually apply it. I’ve used the excuse of not “knowing enough yet” as a way to avoid facing rejection and messing up in bed. It’s not about simply knowing all these things as an encyclopedia, but being able to know how it relates to improving your life and relationships. It’s not about needing to understand, but in gaining greater awareness and sophistication.
Remember: knowledge isn’t power, applied knowledge is power.