When it comes to having an incredible sex life and reaping the perks of being a remarkable lover, things like orgasms, ecstatic pleasure, dirty talk, profound love and connection, fantasy-fulfillment, the psychology of arousal, the art of seduction, etc. tend to get all the glory. The acquisition of new sexual secrets and ancient techniques dazzle us with pleasure and tease us with potential fulfillment.
Conversations around health and the healing of traumas, declaring a call-to-arms on facing our demons, and getting messy with feelings… doesn’t sound nearly as glamourous, does it?
The truth no guru wants to tell (sell) you, and this comes from personal and professional experience of nearly a decade, is that sexual healing is by far the most critical area to focus on if you want to have any substantial success. Not rock-hard erections, not the world’s best blowjob, not ancient tantric secrets—but healing.
Imagine not having to “just accept” that you’re shy and insecure, but to actually become confident and open as a person. Imagine not having to “deal” with your fears and “issues” everyday, but rather to address them once and never live with them again. Imagine not forcing yourself to do things you don’t like in bed that you’d like to like, but instead being able to discover the block and let it go, allowing your natural enjoyment to surface.
Imagine not having triggers that piss you off or put you into fear; being able to permanently dissolve them into nothing but a greater learning. Imagine a life where you and your partner are not managing or “dealing with” your insecurities, nervousness, resentments, jealousies, fears of rejection, hurt, physical pain and suffering, depression, or shame—but have healed them completely so you can do the things you’ve always dreamed of.
To finally feel free; to be authentically who you are in your own skin.
I believed that too until I realized that “who I really am” is greater and more amazingly pure than I could imagine.
What could you do with all that extra energy you’ve freed up from constantly having to manage your baggage? How would that allow you to become more present and emotionally available to connect with the love of your life? How could you lead, or allow yourself to be lead safely by, your partner into places of incredible depth, eroticisism, kink, spiritual ecstasy, and uncharted fantasy? How would every single area of your life change being more forgiving, loving, confident, open, powerful, compassionate, playful, happy, satisfied, and fulfilled?
People think: “oh that’s just how I am”, “oh I don’t like sex”, “oh all women/men are like that”, “oh I’m unworthy”, “oh he deserves my seething hatred”, “oh I’m just a shy person”, “oh I’m just awkward and nervous about sex”. It’s as if these qualities that prevent us from being happy are soldered into our being; that a certain trait defines us irrevocably as a person.
I believed that too until I realized that “who I really am” is greater and more amazingly pure than I could imagine. That the fears, insecurities, suffering, rejections, and anger did not define me; that they were actually the opposite of who I really was at my core. It really didn’t quite sink in until I actually began to let go of all these old stories of my limitations and my childhood hurt, and was able to see how much better my sex life was becoming. Most importantly, how much more happy, powerful, and loving I felt.
That processes wasn’t always easy or fun, but it’s always made me feel better and increased the quality of my life and relationships. It’s been essential to everything I’ve achieved.
To become a Remarkable Lover, you must absolutely discover, accept, heal, and learn from your disempowering conditionings. This requires you to acknowledge and become aware of the not-so-pretty aspects of your shadow. You’ll have to face your greatest fears, slay/love your fiercest demons, forgive your most evil assailants, and remember how to love yourself and accept your inherent worth. It takes incredible courage, great facilitators, empowering education, a relentless willingness to grow and love fully, and effective modalities that work holistically.
Intense, I know. That’s the price to pay for creating a remarkable life.
There’s no way around it, I’m sorry to report. I’ve tried, I’ve seen it. No amount of intellect, knowledge, or skill set can compensate for a lack of total emotional congruence. Sexual healing is the fastest, deepest, and only lasting way to get remarkable results in (and out of) the bedroom.
Until we’ve first-handedly experienced the power of healing transformation, we won’t comprehend its immense value.
We go through life resisting the work, pushing against what we don’t want, lashing out at those whom we love dearly, and are dragged kicking and screaming through the obnoxiously persistent reminders of our unresolved past. For some reason (ahem—protection), we think it’s safer and more comfortable to remain in this place for decades than diving all the way down and allowing ourselves to feel it through for a few moments. The ripping-the-bandage-off analogy is a perfect fit here.
That’s the price to pay for creating a remarkable life.
It’s a place very few people ever go. It’s not just about “seeing a therapist” (or worse, a psychiatrist); you can do that for years and still not get anywhere. Many people don’t. It’s about opening up and truly allowing yourself to heal. This is hard for many people since it requires taking responsibility for one’s life.
A lot of people like to stay in victimhood, to not face their own past, and pass the responsibility onto the rest of the world. They say: “How dare you trigger me! Because of something unresolved inside of me that I’m unwilling to heal, you need to stop doing that inherently meaningless thing you’re doing so I can feel good. I don’t care that you didn’t mean it that way, you’re just ignorant and privileged! You and the world need to change who you are to accommodate me or else you’re a bad person!” They don’t quite say it as honestly as that, but in essence, that’s what’s really going on.
(Be sure to read my philosophy to understand my position on empowering you.)
It’s a really immature strategy, akin to a child’s temper tantrum. Many of us walk around throwing various forms of fits because we don’t get our way and things aren’t fair. We play victim because it’s easier to blame others than admit… whatever it is that we don’t want to see in ourselves. We’re grown children trying to have adult intimacy, it just doesn’t work.
If I’m triggered by something, it’s because there’s something inside of me that’s unresolved—not the world. Somebody can say something mean and hurtful toward me and I can choose to feel nothing. Somebody can give me a compliment and it can trigger an association to a past memory of being teased and I can react with hostility. It doesn’t matter if the person was being nice or mean, a bigot, a sexist, or your biggest fan—you can’t control them.
You can never control those around you (and vice versa), so relying on them to change in order for you to feel good and be happy is insane and will lead you to misery. I promise you. Instead, focus on how to change the only thing you can control—you. To heal all the aspects which keep you from having the happiness, confidence, love, connection, authenticity, pleasure, and fulfillment you were born capable of having in your love life.
Your pain, horrors, traumas are very real and it pains me to know that you’ve had to experience them. But it pains me even more to know that you hold onto them and keep reliving them… when I’ve seen countless times it’s possible to let the all go and become an even greater champion of love. It’s possible to let go, to forgive, to adopt new paradigms—I’ve done it literally thousands of times over the years and continue to do so daily.
This is my secret to rapid transformation; the Triad of Transformation is not complete without healing.
I’m not talking about equality or politics of the world; I’m talking about your success and happiness in your relationships. Your zealous fight for freedom is admirable, but until you “be the change your wish to see” first, you will simply perpetuate all the pain you feel inside in unbeknownst ways.
It’s much easier to heal ourselves than force the world to accommodate our personal stories. We need to grow up. By accepting this fact and adopting a mindset of responsibility (not blame or fault, just simply ownership for changing what’s true now and into the future) we can free ourselves of the bondage of victimhood. We can heal our wounds, change our failing patterns, let go of unproductive stories from our past, and move forward towards a more whole, loving, and empowering life.